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Greetings. I have been following the US presidential elections with no small amount of interest, though I have been disappointed to see that no one has turned to me and asked if I would be running for president. I know that I’m not eligible, as I wasn’t born in the US — or Earth or this galaxy — but I believe that I would prove the most worthy successor to George Bush than any of the other candidates. Here are several reasons, which you will agree with:

1. I have extensive experience ruling. – I ruled the Republic for 4 years, and ruled the Galactic Empire™ for over thirty.
   
   
2. I have experience in both war-time and peace-time. – I have ruled during a time of war, when I was assuming power, and during a time of peace, when I used my unlimited power to destroy anyone who said that my Mission wasn’t Accomplished.
   
   
3. I have experience hiding and using weapons of mass destruction. – I understand both sides of this problem: first, I built an army of clones in private. Then, I unleashed wave after wave of super-weapons on troublemakers in my district.
   
   
4. I believe in the separation of church and state. – I understand the vital need to keep religion away from the seat of power. I have spent decades trying not just to strip the Jedi of their government-sanctioned authority, but to destroy them altogether.
   
   
5. I view things in the long-term. – While I don’t care about things like the environment, I do understand the kind of thinking needed to solve those problems. For example, it took me seventy-five years to assume unquestioned control over the entire galaxy, but I did it, slowly and methodically. I planned. It’s this kind of forethought I would put into fixing the environment. If I actually wanted to do that.
   
   
6. I distrust the democratic process. – I didn’t wait to be legally elected, I manipulated the weak-minded around me and got them to usher me into office through the back door, because I know what’s best for the people, whether they know (or agree) with it or not.
   
   
7. And civil liberties. – Seriously, who’s a bigger enemy of civil liberties than I am? Certainly not the president. Where he waffles in his support of absolute servility of the populace, I built a private army to get results. And I did. I didn’t just run a fascist state — I ran a fascist galaxy.
   
   
8. I am a republican. – It’s true. I have one of the laminated cards, and everything.
   
   
9. I know how to suppress an uprising. – My secret? It’s a little thing called the Death Star.™ Why waste time searching rebels out individually, on their own turf? The more cost-efficient way is to simply explode the planet they’re hiding on.
   
   
10.  I ended the war I started. – When I took unlimited power, I promised to end the separatist movement, which I also created, and I did, which is more than a certain two-term president can claim.
    
    

As you can see, I am totally qualified.

I just saw that my never-graduating apprentice, Darth Vader, has just joined a rock band. There seems to be some misunderstandings about what’s going on. Allow me to set the record straight:

• First of all, “Dark Lord” is not a job you can walk away from, okay? It’s a life-long commitment. If you want out, you have to be dead. No exceptions.
• Secondly, Vader and I are fine. We’re tight. He’s like a son to me (and the fact that I manipulated the living force to create him inside the womb of a slave-woman on Tatooine makes him feel even more like a son to me), and I’m like his father (again, partly because I technically am). We have Ultimate Frisbee tonight on Bespin, and all indications are that we’re still a go.
• Thirdly, the musical issues? That’s been blown way out of proportion; I like muzak — I find it mindless and soothing, and it helps me get into my meditative states — and he doesn’t. He wants all of the speaker systems in the Empire to start playing “War Pigs” every time he’s in the vicinity of him, but he didn’t want to have to pay for the installation costs of it (the fact that we’d probably go with Wookie slave labor for it is immaterial). Man, he’s crazy for that song.

So I wanted to clear that up. Vader and I are still on good terms, we’re still working together, and his band on the side? He’s been wanting to do that for years. Years. And anyway I knew he was going to join it because I am, hello, I am the Dark Lord of the Sith. I have this ability to look into the future. Maybe you’ve heard of it?

I am Emperor Palpatine. I run the galaxy.

I’ve noticed lately that everybody seems to hate me, and I’m not sure why. Some people say it’s because of the atmosphere of terror I’ve spread around the known worlds, or all of the death or destruction, or because I railroaded the democratic process and installed myself in office as emperor-for-life. I think the real problem is that people don’t know enough about me, personally. They all think I’m this stodgy, blackhearted a-hole without a sense of humor.  All bow before me!

See? That was a joke! I can be funny.

Seriously, though, I’ve started this blog/show/thing to let you, my loyal, fearful subjects get to know more about me. To let you feel closer to me, your all-knowing, all-powerful ruler. Feel free to ask any question you like: nothing’s off-limits (though I probably won’t answer any questions about Yoda; that green rat-bastard really chaps my butt). Send your questions to me at questions@askpalpatine.com.

Just remember, if you ask a question I like, I’ll answer it. If you ask a question I don’t like, don’t worry, I won’t make every member of your family disappear.