Click here for the most recent episodes!

Check it out, everybody:

http://www.forum.askpalpatine.com/viewtopic.php?f=8&t=52

We’re now in the voting phase, and I want to thank, again, everybody who submitted a design. We got some fantastic pieces of work sent to us; really tremendous stuff. Thanks also to our panel of celebrity judges, who are now faced with the unenviable task of actually picking the best entries. It’s going to be tough!

We hope to announce the winner on September 16!

It’s true, everyone on The Dark Side loves Leo Laporte. Personally, I think it’s because of the way he lulls you with his dulcet tones, then chops off your arms with his light-sabre. And that laugh as he does it? My god. So terrifying.

It’s my very first contest. Redesign Darth Vader and win cool prizes!

http://www.forum.askpalpatine.com/viewtopic.php?f=8&t=3

They’re still in-progress, but looking pretty cool.

We’ve got a new store set up now at Zazzle, with a bunch of t-shirt designs. And more are coming soon! You should check these things out, they’re seriously great. Also, you should buy them.

We’ve only got shirts right now, but we’re going to be adding mugs very soon!

buy unique gifts at Zazzle

You can go directly to the store by clicking Here.

Hey all,

Looking for a way to show your unwavering devotion to me, Emperor Palpatine? Well, then, look no further than my Spreadshirt store. There’s only one design up, now, but it’s available in a ton of different styles. I highly recommend you getting one. Or four. Or eight hundred and seven.

The first shirt says “I use the Force. Have you heard of it?”

Very stylish, yes?

Buy your own here: http://56567.spreadshirt.com/us/US/Shop/

Hey all,

My sewing circle went a little long yesterday, which pushed back the test we’d set up of our Coronal Discharge Gun — an upshot to all Stormtroopers being identical is that we can deatomize as many as we want to without the union reps noticing — and, anyway, long story short, the next episode won’t be out until tomorrow. Never fear, though, it’ll be a good one: I’m continuing to get a lot of really great questions, which I — along with the whole empire — thank you for.

Greetings. I have been following the US presidential elections with no small amount of interest, though I have been disappointed to see that no one has turned to me and asked if I would be running for president. I know that I’m not eligible, as I wasn’t born in the US — or Earth or this galaxy — but I believe that I would prove the most worthy successor to George Bush than any of the other candidates. Here are several reasons, which you will agree with:

1. I have extensive experience ruling. - I ruled the Republic for 4 years, and ruled the Galactic Empire™ for over thirty.
   
   
2. I have experience in both war-time and peace-time. - I have ruled during a time of war, when I was assuming power, and during a time of peace, when I used my unlimited power to destroy anyone who said that my Mission wasn’t Accomplished.
   
   
3. I have experience hiding and using weapons of mass destruction. - I understand both sides of this problem: first, I built an army of clones in private. Then, I unleashed wave after wave of super-weapons on troublemakers in my district.
   
   
4. I believe in the separation of church and state. - I understand the vital need to keep religion away from the seat of power. I have spent decades trying not just to strip the Jedi of their government-sanctioned authority, but to destroy them altogether.
   
   
5. I view things in the long-term. - While I don’t care about things like the environment, I do understand the kind of thinking needed to solve those problems. For example, it took me seventy-five years to assume unquestioned control over the entire galaxy, but I did it, slowly and methodically. I planned. It’s this kind of forethought I would put into fixing the environment. If I actually wanted to do that.
   
   
6. I distrust the democratic process. - I didn’t wait to be legally elected, I manipulated the weak-minded around me and got them to usher me into office through the back door, because I know what’s best for the people, whether they know (or agree) with it or not.
   
   
7. And civil liberties. - Seriously, who’s a bigger enemy of civil liberties than I am? Certainly not the president. Where he waffles in his support of absolute servility of the populace, I built a private army to get results. And I did. I didn’t just run a fascist state — I ran a fascist galaxy.
   
   
8. I am a republican. - It’s true. I have one of the laminated cards, and everything.
   
   
9. I know how to suppress an uprising. - My secret? It’s a little thing called the Death Star.™ Why waste time searching rebels out individually, on their own turf? The more cost-efficient way is to simply explode the planet they’re hiding on.
   
   
10.  I ended the war I started. - When I took unlimited power, I promised to end the separatist movement, which I also created, and I did, which is more than a certain two-term president can claim.
    
    

As you can see, I am totally qualified.

I just saw that my never-graduating apprentice, Darth Vader, has just joined a rock band. There seems to be some misunderstandings about what’s going on. Allow me to set the record straight:

• First of all, “Dark Lord” is not a job you can walk away from, okay? It’s a life-long commitment. If you want out, you have to be dead. No exceptions.
• Secondly, Vader and I are fine. We’re tight. He’s like a son to me (and the fact that I manipulated the living force to create him inside the womb of a slave-woman on Tatooine makes him feel even more like a son to me), and I’m like his father (again, partly because I technically am). We have Ultimate Frisbee tonight on Bespin, and all indications are that we’re still a go.
• Thirdly, the musical issues? That’s been blown way out of proportion; I like muzak — I find it mindless and soothing, and it helps me get into my meditative states — and he doesn’t. He wants all of the speaker systems in the Empire to start playing “War Pigs” every time he’s in the vicinity of him, but he didn’t want to have to pay for the installation costs of it (the fact that we’d probably go with Wookie slave labor for it is immaterial). Man, he’s crazy for that song.

So I wanted to clear that up. Vader and I are still on good terms, we’re still working together, and his band on the side? He’s been wanting to do that for years. Years. And anyway I knew he was going to join it because I am, hello, I am the Dark Lord of the Sith. I have this ability to look into the future. Maybe you’ve heard of it?