Click here for the most recent episodes!

• I’m trying to decide if this is a coincidence, an homage, or a blatant copy: http://ca.youtube.com/user/EmporerPalpatine #

Powered by Twitter Tools.

• You will watch my new episode. I have seen it: http://tinyurl.com/ywyzmy #

Powered by Twitter Tools.

In which I answer the question “Why did you kill your master, Darth Plaguis, in his sleep rather than facing him like a man?”

• A new Ask Palpatine is coming soon. I have seen it. #
• I am getting a lot of really great questions today. Thank you very much. You’ve made a terribly old warmonger happy. #
• @AtlanaJones it only uses the force if you’re a Jedi, or, even better, a Sith. For regular people - ‘Normies’ - it’s just a software thing. #
• The devil is such a wuss: if I’m in your face, you need to do a LOT more than just throw Evian at me and tell me to go away. #
• Episode 5, "Is Tom Cruise a Sith Lord?" is out. http://tinyurl.com/yu37fr #

Powered by Twitter Tools.

I answer the question “Is Tom Cruise a whacko Scientologist, or a Sith Lord?” My answer may surprise you.

• Nothing like a brand new cloak to make a man feel brand new. Now all I need to do is make my face follow suit: these wrinkles are huge. #
• The real reason I killed Mace Windu? He bounced my lightning back at me and melted my face. Seriously, guy, there are lines you don’t cross. #
• Fear is the best motivator, but finding the right fear is key. My favorite thing to fear? Lightning from my fingers entering your brain. #

Powered by Twitter Tools.

• FYI: @emperor is an impostor: I’m the *real* Palpatine. I have the pink slip from the Death Star to prove it. #
• Hey, @darthsidious: Palpatine isn’t some partying dullard. Palpatine is power. Palpatine is strength. Palpatine is sublime. #

Powered by Twitter Tools.

• Wookies are very hard workers, and they’re really good at making laserguns, but MAN ALIVE they can shed. It’s monstrous. #

Powered by Twitter Tools.

• Oh, man, book club tonight was AMAZING. We all had such a great cry over the ending of "The Bridges of Madison County." #
• Big day: yesterday we leveled the only hospital on Gelbreth IV and today we’re turning it into a skating rink. #

Powered by Twitter Tools.

I just saw that my never-graduating apprentice, Darth Vader, has just joined a rock band. There seems to be some misunderstandings about what’s going on. Allow me to set the record straight:

• First of all, “Dark Lord” is not a job you can walk away from, okay? It’s a life-long commitment. If you want out, you have to be dead. No exceptions.
• Secondly, Vader and I are fine. We’re tight. He’s like a son to me (and the fact that I manipulated the living force to create him inside the womb of a slave-woman on Tatooine makes him feel even more like a son to me), and I’m like his father (again, partly because I technically am). We have Ultimate Frisbee tonight on Bespin, and all indications are that we’re still a go.
• Thirdly, the musical issues? That’s been blown way out of proportion; I like muzak — I find it mindless and soothing, and it helps me get into my meditative states — and he doesn’t. He wants all of the speaker systems in the Empire to start playing “War Pigs” every time he’s in the vicinity of him, but he didn’t want to have to pay for the installation costs of it (the fact that we’d probably go with Wookie slave labor for it is immaterial). Man, he’s crazy for that song.

So I wanted to clear that up. Vader and I are still on good terms, we’re still working together, and his band on the side? He’s been wanting to do that for years. Years. And anyway I knew he was going to join it because I am, hello, I am the Dark Lord of the Sith. I have this ability to look into the future. Maybe you’ve heard of it?